Yearly Archives: 2015

Mindfulness for Mere Mortals

The following post contains excerpts from:

Mindfulness for Mere Mortals — A Minimal Guide

The latest in my Minimal Guide series contains everything you need to know to develop the processes and habits needed to maintain inner peace. If you’ve always wondered what mindfulness and meditation were about or have struggled to develop a practice of your own, this contains all you need to get started and keep going.

In addition, the eBook is a “living” guide. It will be updated as more questions, feedback, thoughts, and topic ideas not yet covered come up. The book currently contains a lot more than the preview below. And there are even more great sections to come. As updates are made, those who have purchased a copy will receive notification of future versions available free download.


Buy it today!

If you want a preview of what the book is all about, keep reading…

Take a few seconds or a minute and close your eyes. Try, really hard, to notice every sound you hear.

When I close my eyes right now, I hear the cats playing upstairs, I hear cars rushing past in the distance (we live near a busy street), I hear the the quiet hum and whine of household appliances, and snow blowers still busy after recent snow. These are things I don’t really notice when going about my day. Yet, in my home these things are still there, my mind simply filters them out as unimportant background noise. I’m focused on seeing and thinking and doing.

The truth is that we spend most of our lives missing out on most of what is going on around us. We have limited capacity and our minds prioritize our focus according to our needs and desires. Needs and desires come from a dissatisfaction with the present. The want of something else, something more, something that does not yet exist.

Yet to be fully in the present we must de-prioritize needs and desires in lieu of what is here and now. Because our capacity cannot prioritize both the future and the present. It must choose. And, it is dissatisfaction (Dukkha) that causes us to choose to focus on what’s next.

So, the true goal of mindfulness is to miss out on less of what is going on around us by prioritizing the here and now. To hear more and see more and be aware of more on a moment by moment basis.

It’s not easy. It takes sacrifice — letting go. It means closing your eyes sometimes (to focus on hearing) and plugging your ears others (to focus on seeing). It means taking time regularly to just sit, not do, and take it all in. It is the opposite of everything the little voice in our head tells us we should be doing.

But, it is entirely possible. Like any other thing, it will come easy to some and others it may take a lifetime. But, you don’t have to be a saint or a monk. Mindfulness is completely doable for mere mortals like you and I — It just takes practice. Training your brain to respond to the future with phrases like, "that’s interesting" or, "Not right now please" and trust that the idea or need or desire will return when the time is right. Because it will, if it was worth anything.

So, did you do it?

That thing I mentioned in the very first paragraph? That whole close your eyes and listening thing? For how long? A few seconds? A minute? Five minutes?

Well, guess what you just did? You meditated! You’re a friggin’ zen monk rock star! Pat yourself on the back.

Seriously, it might have seemed like nothing you expected or have been told in the past meditation is. Don’t believe anyone who tells you you need to sit in lotus position (which I still can’t do after trying for years) and focus on some imaginary dot breathing in and out through specific blowholes. That’s meditation too but it is usually served with a lot of elitist dressing poured over it.

The truth is that even just taking a few moments to stop, be present, and observe as fully as possible the world around you counts just as much as meditation as any full on two week zen retreat. And you, mere mortal, can do that. A five-year-old can.

At the very least a few seconds is a perfect place to start. A small bit that anyone can do at anytime and anywhere. A small practice that you can build on.

Next time you are at the grocery store in a line that you wish was moving faster, try closing your eyes for a few seconds and pick out all of the sounds around you. As you focus in on each one simply acknowledge it and move along to the next. Right there, in that few seconds, you’ll find you were not focused on the frustration of a slow line. For just a few seconds you were present instead of worrying about a problem that is out of your control. For just a few seconds you were neither angry or happy — you just were. That’s meditation.

And, if you can do that in a long line in a grocery store, you can do that at work in a boring meeting, you can do it in the shower, you can do it anywhere.

And, if you can do it for a few seconds with ease you can double it the next time and double it again the next time after that. It can scale.

Do it enough and five seconds won’t feel like five minutes. Five minutes won’t feel like five hours. In fact, eventually you’ll have experiences where time simply ceases to exist, feeling wise. In fact, you’ll go so deep that an hour of sitting will pass and you’ll feel like you just sat down a few seconds ago (I didn’t believe this either until it happened to me). With practice, you’ll be into some next level zen ninja stuff.

But, it starts with just a few seconds.

Why meditate?

OK, this is going to sound a little hokey. Even I blush a little still when I tell people because I know half the people I tell it to will roll their eyes in a "Yeah, right!" gesture. But here it is…

Peace

Meditation, if practiced regularly and used prescriptively will bring the practitioner inner peace. It’s as simple as that. But, like the seconds that turn into minutes that turn into hours, peace also will scale in parallel to your meditation practice. Put simply, the more you meditate, the better you will get at it, the more at peace you will experience and feel.

How does meditation give you peace?

Because meditation helps you see the world, and your self in it, for what it is — not what you wish it to be. Meditation will help you learn to focus your energy on the things you can change — right here and now — and ignore the things you can’t (especially that which is not right here and now). When your energy is then focused on direct action on changing that which causes you suffering, discomfort, and stress, you will change it. You will learn to simply let go of those feelings for the things you can’t change.

There’s those "Yeah, sure, right?" eye rolls again.

Really, it’s true. Let’s go back to that long grocery line and break down the things you can do about it. Let’s assume there are no other shorter faster lines. Here’s your choices…

  1. Leave and not get groceries. There, problem solved. At least the waiting one is. You still need groceries.
  2. Wait and get frustrated. Does that make the line move faster? Does that change anything but making you even more angry and frustrated and dissatisfied?
  3. Wait and know that there is nothing to do but wait. Be OK with the wait. Be at peace with waiting.

Now, only one of those choices will bring you peace. The one where you paused in your frustration and took the time to see what you could do about the problem and choose the one that brought you peace. That is mindfulness. That is meditation. That is peace.

And, once you can learn how to approach a grocery line with mindfulness you can learn how to approach every single moment that way. No matter the situation. No matter how bad it seems or how much it hurts. With practice, you can bring yourself peace anytime and anywhere in any situation.

Once again, it’s not easy…

I don’t even consider myself all that good at it. Put me behind the wheel of a car and you will see my mindfulness fly out the drivers side window most days. But, just because my practice is not always perfect it does not mean I don’t know what the answer and solution is. I know it takes practice and, for me, it may take a whole lot more.

How much more? I have no idea. That’s future. If I focus on that I’ve already lost — I can’t put any action or effort there because it doesn’t exist. Not yet, at least, and maybe never. I can only put action and effort on today. I can’t even go back and say sorry to that driver who I flipped off when he cut in front of me and he wouldn’t likely apologize in return. That’s past and it can’t be changed. All I can do is, when I feel the road rage coming, take a second or two to be present, weigh my responses, and choose the one that brings me the most peace. It’s the only thing I can control. Because the one that brings me the most peace is the one that benefits me the most. If it sounds "selfish" it’s because it is. And that’s OK if it also benefits those around me and, by extension, the world at large. And how could the world not benefit from any one or all of us being a bit more at peace?

Dealing with dukkha.

That is really what it is all about. And, since I assume your knowledge of Sanskrit is poor at best, you are asking yourself what the heck dukkha is. Turns out, Wikipedia has a very good article on it. It’s one of the better written articles I’ve come across on there. I urge you to go read it. Here’s how it starts:

Dukkha (Pāli; Sanskrit: duḥkha; Tibetan: སྡུག་བསྔལ་ sdug bsngal, pr. "duk-ngel") is a Buddhist term commonly translated as "suffering", "anxiety", "stress", or "unsatisfactoriness". The principle of dukkha is one of the most important concepts in the Buddhist tradition. The Buddha is reputed to have said: "I have taught one thing and one thing only, dukkha and the cessation of dukkha."

So, dukkha is a fairly broad and all encompassing idea. One that is used to describe all of the general dissatisfactions of life. Not having enough, not getting what we want, physical pain, heartbreak, wishing for a better life, over indulgence, and on and on — all of these and more are dukkha. In other words, our daily lives are filled with dukkha. And, because we are creatures that, for the most part, don’t like to feel bad, much of our lives are also filled with looking for ways to lessen our dukkha. Which creates a paradox, because dukkha can also come from the desire to have less dukkha and the work chasing the wrong solutions. As long as we have dukkha we can not have complete peace. Peace will come when we learn how to properly deal with the dukkha.

So, how do we deal with the dukkha? Mindfulness. How do we achieve mindfulness? Meditation.

Do you have ten minutes?

Of course you do. Everyone does. And if you can’t spare ten minutes for meditation — ten minutes to be at peace — then you should really reexamine your priorities in life. I can’t help you and you should come back when you can. But, I’m going to assume that you can. We are going to take ten minutes to meditate. You and I, right after this little chapter where I’m going to teach you how step-by-step. I’m also going to cover some important details in each step — explanations as to why and how certain things work. Because I found that knowing the steps is not nearly as valuable as understanding them.

Also, find a way to let yourself know when the ten minutes is up. If you have a smartphone you can set a timer with it. Kitchen timers work great but I find the buzzer a bit jarring when they go off and coming out of a peaceful meditation session with a loud alarm is no fun at all. So, whatever you find, it may be nice to have a gentle alarm.

OK, here we go…

  1. Sit. Find somewhere to sit that is comfortable and you can sit up straight. You don’t have to sit cross legged or in "lotus" or on a zafu cushion. The reason you see many doing so or read meditation guides that advocate it is that these, in general, force one to assume good posture and sit up straight. But, you can sit up straight almost anywhere. If you can’t, try lying down on your back. The point of all of this posture stuff is to make it easy to breathe. Breathing deep and long — good in-and-out breaths. And for that you need to use your lungs and your diaphragm. And breathing is going to be very important for this. So, sit so that you can take nice, long, breaths.
  2. Focus your attention on your breath. Why breath? Why do all of these hoodoo guru zen geeks always want you to focus on your breath? Because it is one place of focus we all have. It’s universal. One place we all can return to when our mind wanders. No matter our physical condition or place or anything else that may be going on, if you are alive, you are breathing. If you have a pulse you have breath. When you sit and close your eyes and your mind immediately starts popping with all the other things you should be doing or have to be doing during this ten minutes, directing your attention back to your breath is something all living humans can do. So, take a few minutes now just to focus on your breath just to know what you need to do. Feel it flowing in and out? Got it? Good.
  3. Are you sitting up straight and comfortable and do you know how to focus on your breath? Good. Now, set your timer and close your eyes. Why? Less distractions. Heck, if you have ear plugs that help with noise distractions but still let you hear your alarm then do that a too. The more you can pro-actively deal with distractions the better. Because, your mind will have plenty of fun thinking up things to distract you with because the last thing it wants is peace and quiet. It has grown very accustomed to constant distraction and a sense of being busy. You have helped it along with all of your dukkha — your shoulds and coulds and wants and needs. Your brain will need to be retrained to want this more. Once again, it’s not easy and it takes time but it can be done and this is how you do it.
  4. As your eyes are closed and you you are focused on on your breath, you’ll start to think about the laundry or the errands or the work thing or… You get the idea. It’s OK. That’s normal. As things pop into your head, acknowledge them, visualize them briefly, and think to yourself, "Not right now. Come back later.", and then visualize them going away before returning your focus to your breath.

Got it? Great. Now, stop reading and go off and give it a try. I’ll wait right here…

How’d it go?

In general, folks have one of two responses which I will paraphrase here:

  1. "Great! Was that only ten minutes? Felt like nothing at all. I could have gone for hours."
  2. "Um, I only lasted about a minute and a half. Then, I remembered I needed to RSVP to a Facebook event and, well, this is stupid and I’ll never be able to do it."

If you are at number one, stop reading. You don’t need this. Just consider making this a daily practice.

If you are in the number two camp, well, so was I at first. Welcome to the club. If it makes you feel better, we are the normal ones. The ones who get this right off the bat are the weirdos. Although, believe me, I wish I was one of the weird ones. But I’m not and wishing is dukkha so…

The point being that this will take practice. You will likely fail a lot at first. Every time you go to sit for meditation you will question the point because you have yet to sit for long enough to see it. But, trust me, keep at it — ten minutes every day — and you’ll begin to wonder why you have not been doing this all your life. Then, you’ll figure out that if ten minutes of this is good then twenty minutes must be great. And you may struggle with that longer amount at first but now at least you know, from having worked hard to get to ten, that twenty is perfectly doable.

Much more in included in the book with even more on the way…


Buy it today!

Books I Read in 2015

I didn’t read as much as I have in past years. While I feel a bit bad about that — and very much wish I had made time to read more — the fact is that the house rehab project as well as many other worthwhile, yet time-consuming, factors simply meant my focus was elsewhere. I hope that the coming year brings me more time to make reading the priority it has been in years past.

Here are the books I read this year in the order I read them with a short review of each.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown — A wonderful book that explores the idea that living a whole hearted life means having the courage to love ourselves despite out shame about out imperfections. Great way to start the year.

Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within by Natalie Goldberg — This is one of the writing books. One of those widely considered the gold standard of books on writing. For good reason, it is wonderful. This is actually my second time reading it. The first time, a couple of years ago, I did not highlight or mark it up for easy future perusal. I read through it again mainly for that purpose. I plan on visiting this book and browsing through at least once every year.

Afterworlds by Scott Westerfeld — This was wonderful book. Two books, actually because… It is the story of an 18 year old debut YA novelist and each chapter about her is interspersed with the novel she write. So, you are reading two books at once, really. Sounds gimmicky but came together quite well. I’m not normally into YA but I highly recommend this one.

The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help by Amanda Palmer — A must read for artists of all sorts. This is a delightful, and often very moving, combination of advice and personal memoir.

On the Road by Jack Kerouac — I’m trying to make it a personal goal to read more of the classics that, for one reason or another, I have missed. Reading this was near the top of that list. I’m glad I did because it is a classic for a reason. Kerouac has a voice all his own. It’s like reading improvisational jazz as interpreted by Woody Gutherie. It is at once relaxed and frantic.

The Circle by Dave Eggers — A ridiculous book, really. Contrived and clichéd in all of the worst ways. And, it went a long way towards finally convincing me that middle aged men are rarely good at writing young female characters. But I powered my way through. It makes its rather simple point about 20 pages in (i.e. Companies like Facebook and Google are evil and we should fear what they stand for) and then spends the rest of the book beating away at this thinly veiled point. I wouldn’t recommend it.

Seveneves by Neal Stephenson — This was a really fantastic book. The first 2/3rds of it follow the total destruction of earth following a mysterious event that causes the moon to explode and fracture. Humanity must find a way to survive and very few do. The final third happens 5000 years later. It’s a gripping story of survival, ingenuity, and human nature. My only warning is that, like many of Stephenson’s books, he can at times get a little bogged down in the weeds of technical detail. Fascinating if you are interested, easily skimable if not.

The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion by Elle Luna — Normally, when I read a non-fiction book I highlight key sentences and paragraphs to make it easy to find specific important thoughts skim through the book again in the future. It is rare that I will “dog ear” a page. Because, when I dog ear a while page it means everything on the page is important and not a single word is to be missed. I dog eared a lot of pages in this one. Several in a row in many cases. Unlike a lot of the “quit your job and follow your dreams” books, this one is rational, reasonable, and readily admits that jumping off such a cliff is not wise. Instead, it argues that if you can make the time to do the things you should do, you can make the time to do the things you must do. And it gives plenty of examples of those who have done just that. A particular favorite is composer Phillip Glass who continued to work as a plumber even as rave reviews of his work were being published in the New York Times. This is one of those books I now recommend to as many people as I can. Plus, it is beautifully illustrated. Worth getting for that alone.

Darkened Blade: A Fallen Blade Novel by Kelly McCullough — A fine wrap up of the series. Just as fun as all the rest. You should read them all (and look back at my past reviews of them if you’d like to know more).

Relentless: From Good to Great to Unstoppable by Tim S. Grover — This book will either completely piss you off in the first few pages or completely resonate with you. It’s one of those books. For me, it not only resonated but I found myself compiling a list of others I know who needed to read it. I sent one as a gift to a friend only half way though. I knew they would see themselves in there like I did. Tim Grover is a personal training coach to many top athletes — especially in the NBA. Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, and many other credit him with a large part of their success. His mission, taking players way past their perceived limits to be the very best. Not just the best in the game or the best playing today but the best of all time. He’s the best at what he does and he has the clients and results to back it up. He also makes no bones about that and gives zero fucks about what you think. He is arrogant, cocky, and tells it like he believes it is. In this book, he gets into the mindset and anecdotes of what it takes to play and live a life at that level, who has it (very few), who doesn’t (the vast majority). This is not a book that will teach you how to get there. This is not a how too guide. It will not teach you how to get into “the zone” and stay there. And, as he makes clear, if that’s what you want then you already don’t have what it takes so he can’t help you anyway. What it is is a litmus test. You will either recognize the qualities it takes to meet this kind of success or you will not. Very inspirational to the right person. Worthless hyperbole to most. But, some very interesting and entertaining anecdotes for the long time basketball fan.

Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel — Wow, this is a really wonderfully written book. Set both just prior and 20 years post-apocalyptic pandemic that wipes out most of earth’s population, it is a story of survival and hope. But not only in the ways one might expect from such fare. It’s really about relationship and connectedness and how even in the worst of times simply surviving is insufficient.

The Gypsy in Me: From Germany to Romania in Search of Youth, Truth, and Dad by Ted Simon — A wonderful account of one mans’ journey, mostly by foot, to trace his Eastern European roots. Along the way, he finds a deeper meaning of his own personal identity. Part travelogue, part memoir, with plenty of political and social inquiry, this book is a unique bird but an engaging read.

The Assured Expectation of Things Hoped For by Shawn Mihalik — A smart and beautiful coming-of-age story about a young woman growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness. This offers an interesting peek into a world many of us turn away when it comes to our doors. Shawn is a really good writer — especially in the shorter form of a novella.

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald — The classic novel about a group of Long Island upper-crusters and one particular mysterious gentleman. The prose is beautiful and, at times, whimsical with a strong sense of time and place. At its heart, this is a novel about the stories we tell (and the ones that are told) about ourselves in an effort be strive to be better and how it keeps the world from being able it care about who we really are.

It’s Never Too Late: A Kids Book for Adults by Dallas Clayton — Full of wisdom and whimsy, it’s a short inspirational, “kids book” (i.e. with illustrations) meant for adults. Mainly about the value of time and living life to the fullest. This was a gift from my friend Garrick and it was timely and very sweet.

Books I’ve started…

(But have not yet finished.)

The Journals of Henry David Thoreau by Henry David Thoreau — I’m slowly working my way through this, the most reader friendly version of the original 7000 journal pages of one of my favorite writers and thinkers. At only 704 pages, it seems a breeze in comparison. This is something I pick up and read a bit more of when I’m between other books.

Reconstruction: America’s Unfinished Revolution, 1863-1877 by Eric Foner — This 750 page tome I’m reading as contextual research for a Big Book Project I’ve been (slowly) working on.

Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow: Books — This is the engaging and fascinating definitive biography of one of America’s most misunderstood founding fathers. Started reading it, in no small part, because it is the inspiration for the current Broadway musical of the same name (which my wife is obsessed with). We will be seeing the musical in March in New York City and, well, wanted to “read the book first”. Glad I am.

Things I Love: Buck Mason Crew Slub Tee

buck-mason_army_crew_slub_7500

I wear a t-shirt almost every day. For me, it’s as essential a first layer as underwear. And, in the summer, it is sometimes my only top layer. So, for me, it is important that a t-shirt look great, be supper comfortable, fit very well, and also be ‘enough’ by itself when the day calls for it.

For a very long time, I couldn’t find just the right thing. Some models and brands came close in the fit and softness department but failed in others. Then, on a whim, I ordered a Buck Mason Crew Slub Tee when it was being offered by Need. They had them on sale and it looks like a good option so I thought, “What the heck, let’s give it a go.”

I’m so glad I did. It fits all of the qualifications I was looking for. This is the most comfortable, best fitting, most ‘tailored’ looking t-shirt I have ever worn. It’s like they were made just for me. They feel like silk against the skin. The rounded bottom hem makes them perfect for wearing tucked or untucked and gives them a classy look when worn untucked just by themselves. Plus, they layer very well not too thick to wear as an undershirt. I have since ordered several more in different colors from Buck Mason directly.

Buck Mason offers a neat deal where you can order up a package of three of these tees and return them for free if they don’t suit you. I could not recommend them more highly and it’s a great way to check them out.